You have been gone for 25 yrs today

An Ode to my Father

Can you see me now?

I would have made you proud

We never spoke about facts or truths

Because they were subjects

That we could not face yet

You were a man with many names,

many women and Bars

as if they were your second home

or possibly your first…

because the reality was

you never had a home

You were sent to an orphanage

In Belfast Ireland as a child

and I will never know what you

Endured then…now trying to silence your

Demons with alcohol.

Then I was also sent to a home

for children and could not understand

Why nobody wanted me

Or what I had done so wrong

to be thrown away

But now I see the cycles of

Family addiction and trauma

You were just mimicking what had been

done to you, and later you tried to save me

after I had turned to drugs,

but it was too late, I had lost my faith

in humanity and couldnt live

in my skin therefore I

wanted to be comfortably numb by

any means necessary

We were not ready to change

Because we had never faced our demons

or even understood our pain

we were children in adult bodies

still searching for that safe space…

that illusion of control in a harsh world

Daddy, you were still a fond memory

because even in our awkward silences

and addictions, I knew you were a good man

I wanted us both to find peace

I never had children, so the cycle stops

With me, I wish we could have shared

More good times but we did share a bond

That only you and I can understand

I miss you and I still don’t believe in

Rainbows and Butterflies but there is

Still a place in my heart that hopes you

are somewhere watching over me smiling