A lonely yet liberating Valentines day approaches

20190124_092433 (1)

I recently had an accident and have been sitting in a wheelchair for months

My life was altered dramatically

20181113_232401 (1)

One of my coping devices for PTSD, which is working out, was not an option any longer so besides having to leave my job, I was now back on public assistance.

To be honest its hard to feel sexy being HIV, having felonies, PTSD and sitting in a wheelchair and still have the nerve to be picky at the same time.

One of my biggest fears was feeling vulnerable and alone, and there I was immobile and home alone to sit with my feelings.

Just when things looked as dismal as hell BOOM, he walked into my life. My soul mate? Hell no.

I had a physical therapist assigned to help me at my residence and I am not going to lie after being celibate for almost three years, being touched by a man that was there to help me heal. It was like going through adolescent butterflies all over again.

I became detached from feeling many things due to trauma, drugs etc. and unfortunately the disconnection between mind and body was extreme. A therapist asked me to touch my shoulder and arm and asked me what I felt, I felt like I was touching a stranger (no feeling) due to disconnect.

It’s been a long hard road, and Friday is my Physical therapist’s last visit. Hey, he is married and got kids so it was not about me/him/ us it was about learning to let someone get close enough to touch you, which is hard for me due to sexual traumas in the past.

I will be able to put weight on my leg and start walking the same week as Valentine’s day so its time to celebrate my independence and renewed vitality and still hold a place in my heart for a possible future mate when it feels right.

 

2 comments

  1. I’m a little late but I hope you’re fully physically rehabbed at this point.

    I was just thinking abt how disconnected I am from humanity that a simple touch on my back can send a jolt of oxytocin through my body. It’s unfamiliar at first bc of the bouts I go without physical contact w anyone in between the sporadic gf’s, but then familiar again once I place what that feeling is….actually being physically connected to someone for a short period of time.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s