Its too late to play house

I know that all people have their faults

and we all have had our challenges

I know that we have to let the past go and move on…

which comes to my point. I have gotten accustomed

to being ALONE

It was not my choice it was my family way

Every man and (woman) for themselves

Well it taught me to be competitive because

I had nothing but a bruised  EGO to feed.

I also ran to drugs to self-medicate

I lived up to being the loser I was told I would be,

My mother had told me I was not pretty when I was a child

A matter of fact statement was not said in anger

it was just her way to be passive aggressive.

When I eventually sold my body for drugs

I was shocked that anyone would pay to touch me

since I wasn’t exceptional in any kind of way.

A warped sense of self a warped sense of the world.

The street seemed more welcoming than my home

Now my mother is old and needs help,

I am clean  now and some say that is the reason

for her change of heart.

I disagree, I feel  I am convenient because “she” now

needs someone. The problem is I was never hugged

or loved by her, all I remember is the tantrums and the emotional

and physical abuse. She buys me things and

I am still struggling financially

It makes me feel shameful that I am “being bought” since

I don’t feel there is true love between us. We use each other…

She wants to have someone to call when she feels alone, the same way I did as a child.

What bothers me is I don’t feel genuine and I don’t feel happy around her

I feel like a prostitute again, shutting down and going through the motions.

the energy is so toxic so isn’t it a little late

to pretend that we like each other?