I know that all people have their faults
and we all have had our challenges
I know that we have to let the past go and move on…
which comes to my point. I have gotten accustomed
to being ALONE
It was not my choice it was my family way
Every man and (woman) for themselves
Well it taught me to be competitive because
I had nothing but a bruised EGO to feed.
I also ran to drugs to self-medicate
I lived up to being the loser I was told I would be,
My mother had told me I was not pretty when I was a child
A matter of fact statement was not said in anger
it was just her way to be passive aggressive.
When I eventually sold my body for drugs
I was shocked that anyone would pay to touch me
since I wasn’t exceptional in any kind of way.
A warped sense of self a warped sense of the world.
The street seemed more welcoming than my home
Now my mother is old and needs help,
I am clean now and some say that is the reason
for her change of heart.
I disagree, I feel I am convenient because “she” now
needs someone. The problem is I was never hugged
or loved by her, all I remember is the tantrums and the emotional
and physical abuse. She buys me things and
I am still struggling financially
It makes me feel shameful that I am “being bought” since
I don’t feel there is true love between us. We use each other…
She wants to have someone to call when she feels alone, the same way I did as a child.
What bothers me is I don’t feel genuine and I don’t feel happy around her
I feel like a prostitute again, shutting down and going through the motions.
the energy is so toxic so isn’t it a little late
to pretend that we like each other?
What a shitty place to be in. I don’t have an answer unfortunately but I wanted to acknowledge your question and confusion. Hoping to give some sense of camaraderie…(?) Maybe that’s ridiculous I don’t know. I just hate this kind of shit from mothers. WTF? You know?
I got an email from my mother recently and I struggle to figure out the right move each time I hear from her as well.
Congrats on getting to grad school though.
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You are finding your truth and you can honour that, that is the most important thing. It is hard with family even when it is only a financial transaction I still try to give. I have been supported by money from my Mum for the past 10 years, she calls it an early inheritance. I give because I love my Mum but if you don’t feel love for your Mum, then it would be fake to give.
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it just seems a relationship of convenience due to the fact that she never pretended to want to be a mother when I was a child but now that she is alone and in need she is acting like we have a close relationship which I feel is false on both parts…
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Yes, it sounds very false. I also wish my Mum could have been more honest. It fucks with our heads to be put in that situation.
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds very difficult and emotionally draining to have this kind of relationship in your life. I hope you can focus on yourself and grad school and doing what you want in life. wish you all the best – speak766
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Thanks for following my blog, which is much appreciated. I am sorry to say that my eyes cannot cope with your theme, as I cannot read any of the grey on white comments.
Best wishes, Pete.
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If it makes a difference I changed the layout and fonts
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Unfortunately, school — necessary to advancement — extends our dependence. I moved back home to avoid dropping out of law school, a bad decision. Decline the gifts if they are too painful, or put you at risk of sliding backwards. You will find another way.
At some point, you may want to consider forgiveness — not for your mother’s sake, but your own. Many of us do not get there, of course. Forgiveness is not, however, a warm and cozy feeling. It is a deliberate decision to move beyond the grievous harm done to us. That can be very freeing. Be well.
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So much sadness and so much courage and strength. You, Glenna, are a survivor. Give because you want to, not because it is the thing to do, but for your own dignity and respect of self. If it does not sit right with you, don’t do it. Like Anna says, you will find another way. I wish you a life of wellbeing and happiness. You deserve it, just like everyone else.
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