I asked my mother due to being in psychotherapy if there was a psycho-social from my childhood due to the long history. She said” Yes it is in your folder” My folder? I responded as she gestured towards the file cabinet. I knew that she kept some memorabilia of our family in storage since the only pictures she mainly displayed were of her and her parents, aunts etc. on the walls. While I was trying to heal and deal with my past trauma I had read a lot of books and one said that you might (makeup) your past to explain your discomfort. I had said to myself maybe I had exaggerated my thoughts about my mother’s emotional and physical abuse. Maybe she was just being a mom under pressure.I looked at the folder and instead of it being baby pictures, the artwork of me as a child instead it was her writings. Journals she wrote about what a loser I was. She called me a (low life). I tried to act like I didn’t see anything bad as I hid the papers in my shirt. I finally had proof that I was not a monster, I was not a bad egg, I was a child that didn’t know how to cope with my situation. I finally found the Psychosocial and it said was that I was an ATTRACTIVE 12-year-old…omg my heart melted, my mother had told me I wasn’t pretty as a child. When I asked her if she knew what was in the psychosocial she just said, ” I think it said, oh yeah you were an underachiever” “Oh”, I said and continued reading how I was above average and superior in my IQ tests. I started shaking and although I could overpower my mother easily now I still felt that fear like I did as a child. She had the power to make me feel horrible then and I needed something showing that it was not just me. That I was not bad and someone should have helped me. She got up and started talking about her and her meltdowns and her sleep deprivation etc and I do not lie my skin crawled as she moved past me. I have never felt anything like that in my life. My skin actually did a dance. I have the papers that give me the closure I needed. I showed them to my therapist and there was no doubt in their mind that my mother was mentally unstable and a “Monster” in one’s words. She had a lot of good things about her as well and I can forgive her and myself now because I realize she was sick. All I wanted was someone to see it from my side so I wouldn’t feel so alone.