Due to having a multicultural upbringing I never had a chance to get comfortable in a common mindset. My mother was an atheist on Mondays and an Agnostic by Wednesday. My father was supposed to be an Irish Catholic but he did not push that perspective on me due to him fighting his own demons. The only higher power I learned to believe in was escaping with drugs. I would hear others claim their GODS and their prejudices and I thought everyone sounded delusional by finding a religion that suits their position in society. A friend/ mentor of mine kept asking me to pray in the mornings and I thought she was crazy because that would be “fake” and that would be the opposite of being (Holier than thou), right? Out of desperation and people pleasing I finally woke up and after doing all the basics like brushing my teeth, using the bathroom and trying to make sure I didn’t feel ugly when I looked in the mirror I sat there on my couch and said,” Yo, H.P. (Higher Power) I don’t believe in you but then again I can’t take my life anymore so this is a futile attempt to lighten the load I carry” . I continued doing this with an attitude and suddenly realized that I was not as angry with H.P. anymore and I felt a little less bitter and hopeless. I am not writing this in an attempt to sway anyone or tell people what their HP is or what they should do but I am saying that by not believing in humanity and any higher power it made me hopeless and without faith in anything there was no hope. I can’t define my HP but it is a personal relationship and although I still struggle it has lifted part of a load that I could not lift by myself.