Healthy Goodbyes



Since my life was built on EXTREMES everything got labeled and categorized. Either friend/foe threat/pushover love/hate. Since everything was black and white there were no shades of gray (or so I thought). Co-dependency is typical in addicts and I was not an exception to the rule. We do not see our actions or see what part we play in the toxicity in relationships. The reality is that I did not know how to love someone because I didn’t believe anyone truly loved me, I didn’t know how to be a friend because I was too busy studying those I considered enemies. My point is that after going to therapy at the Crime Victim Treatment Center I finally believed that there are good people out there. I had “Hope” and self-awareness for a change. I had stopped looking for new SOUL mates in the parole offices and stopped looking for “Hostages” that I called relationships. I still was not good at saying goodbye. Goodbyes had always meant a sad finale. Either I was in a home for children or jail and thought they didn’t care. Not to forget death, destruction, violence and child abandonment. After two and a half years my therapist whom had warned me 6 months prior that this day was coming and I prepared myself. He was moving to California for a job opportunity and I had to go somewhere else for treatment since the treatment was based on a  “Crisis basis” and I had been there two years over the usual stay.I tried to look stable and just joked about how I would see him on social media. I expected him to tell me how to connect with him but he said ” no, I am not going to be able to connect with you because that is not professional and…” all I heard was blah blah blah because right away I felt a familiar feeling which like in the past was “Alone”. He explained to me that goodbye does not mean someone doesn’t care and it is a normal part of socialization. I did not want to hear that but I thought about it and told myself if I really care about him I should want him to progress and go to the job he wants and I will always remember how he made me feel safe when I needed it so badly. You don’t need to prove yourself and check in with someone every day to be a caring and supportive friend. I see that healthy attachments are built on enjoying and appreciating someone but not out of desperation which in fact is not being a friend. I have heard the expression ( If you do not lose some friends along the way you haven’t grown) and in this case, I hadn’t lost a friend I had met someone and we had a good relationship and we moved on. I wanted him to be happy also so that means respecting their life/ work and dreams just like I felt that he respected mine as well.



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