I remember while someone was deciding what “job detail” I was supposed to have in prison, He decided I was going to horticulture. When I was on my way out he said, “Yeah McCarthy, you need to learn how to smell the roses” I had no idea what horticulture meant and never even made it to my new job. Due to my anxiety, while going to ear in mess halls I was a time bomb. It felt like torture and I had a fight. After being isolated for a month or so  I came out and was supposed to work in “electrical.” although I would have loved to be an (Urban) Macgyver that could fix anything and alter everything I didn’t last a week due to another meltdown. I got used to being recognized as a reckless individual. I thought that would be a way to make people leave me alone. It seemed to be my uncomfortable comfort zone. It is a lonely existence, feeling it’s you against the world. I still got attention without having to get close. I was the star of my own “low budget bad movie. I grew, changed and faced my demons. I saw if I did not invest in me I was terminally screwed ” Life has changed and improved now but I still have to slow down and learn how to smell the roses, even if it is just one.

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